There’s a Reason Why People Will Tell You They Became Better People
Dec 08, 2021
Many people struggle with past trauma, but why do some say it changed the course of their life?
There’s a reason why some people will tell you they became better people after something terrible happens.
Sometimes people dwell too long on “when bad things to good people.” They don’t know there’s a mysterious transformation that happens simply because the human is designed to survive.
There were chapters of my life I’d decided to view one way, and those beliefs rumbled around for years, stealing my joy. I was stuck in believing I’d been shortchanged from the miraculous life I thought everyone else had.
Until I challenged it.
This quote buried on page 41 of Eckhart Tolle's book, A New Earth changed my life and all that has followed since:
“Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment.”
It was finally time to create new experiences.
What happens and the meaning we give it are two different experiences
Like many people, I’ve had more than my share of trauma. With numbing pain, I had unknowingly chosen to hold onto those events, especially the story of losing my son and, subsequently, my divorce.
Right now, I’m sure your mind goes to one of those dramatic life incidents from your own life. In the quest to regain a sense of stability and peace, you were challenged and searched for a way to go on. It wasn’t easy, and you found it difficult to even take the next step.
I can relate. In my search to regain a quality of life after my son suddenly died at just 16 years old. I studied everything I could to find wholeness again. I read other people’s stories, attended group meetings, had ongoing therapy, but by far the most valuable thing for me was journaling.
It was my safe haven for all I was feeling. As the pages grew in numbers, I could see something remarkable… healing.
You can’t appreciate where you are without looking back to see where you’ve been
In my search for healing, I learned a strategy from William Bridges, author of The Way of Transition. He said,
“You simply cannot imagine a new chapter, but the fact is, that letting go of one chapter in your life initiates the transition that concludes by beginning a new chapter.”And that’s where we get stuck. We can’t imagine our new life, because the old one is still raw. It’s often too much to imagine a whole new life, so start by imagining the next chapter without the pain of the past.
The incident holds you in a state of chaos… and unable to move forward.
I know the loss of my son was the greatest tragedy in my life. I questioned, how could I possibly end that chapter and find a new beginning?
I was stuck in believing the pain would be ever-present from now to the end of my life.
Like most people, you may have experienced an ending without completion. In my studies to become a Grief Recovery Specialist®, I discovered…
Endings can come in the form of:
- Losing a loved one
- Job loss
- Losing a home, security, financial loss
- A relationship
- Betrayal by someone or something that was a significant part of your life or well being
- An unforeseen health issue
- Any event that disrupts life as you knew it
- And here’s one that will surprise you… a major accomplishment, because it initiates change.
If you can find even one positive thing about what you learned from any of these triggers, you’ll have a new story to tell and a wealth of wisdom to gain.
But we are resistant
The loss itself has happened, but the big question is… what is stopping you from a great life, a complete life?
Is it grief? Feelings of failure? Unworthiness? Not being good enough? Memories that hold you hostage?
Why is this so important to know? Because it’s detrimental to take those old damaging beliefs into your next chapter.
The loss was the inciting incident that provoked change, and that means an inner, spiritual evolution has to take place.
But you struggle with your belief system and your faith? Consider this:
“Expand your belief system rather than change it.”- Dave Roberts, author When the Psychology Professor Met the Minister
So let’s go back to the loss of my beautiful son. How could I go on? How could I make sense of something so senseless?
I had to recognize that his death was the inciting incident that dramatically changed my life. I struggled with grief, as everyone does, but I also attached feelings of being an inadequate mom, questioning how could my son have died on my watch?
I felt shame in every part of my being for trusting the doctor.
He said it was the Type A Flu going around; in fact, one of Garrett’s friends had been to the same doctor that morning with it. He told me to put him in bed, give him lots of liquids, and Tylenol for fever.
I did exactly that. And I made him chicken soup. I stayed up late with him, watching Saturday Night Live. I kissed him goodnight, told him I loved him, and he’d feel better tomorrow.
I didn’t know then, I’d find him in the morning, lifeless. The doctor had misdiagnosed him… it was actually a deadly form of bacterial meningitis.
So… how could I not have known? I beat myself up for months with that thought until one day, I realized it was taking me away from my life. It was hard to juggle the deep grief and negative thoughts while being a wife and mother. It chipped away at my confidence and my ability to hold space for their lives.
Just because their brother died, did not mean they didn’t deserve a joyful life.
Now, let’s head back to the inciting incident…
Garrett’s loss was the ending of him living physically on this earth. It was also the ending of my chapter of life with him on this planet.
I learned the facts
I couldn’t have saved him. The autopsy revealed it was such an aggressive form of bacterial meningitis that he likely would not have lived, even if it had been correctly diagnosed and antibiotics started.
He was in a new realm now, but I struggled to know what that meant for me. I had another chapter of my life waiting, but I was stuck in the belief I could never be happy again.
Or… was I willing to learn to love my son in the spiritual realm? I know without a doubt there is life beyond this one. I’ve had too many signs not to believe. I won’t go into them now, but I can tell you with certainty, miracles happen to make you aware of their presence.
I chose to move forward and develop a new relationship with Garrett, one where I gave his life meaning and purpose by sharing his story with others in hopes that I could help other parents like me. (I wrote a book, How to Survive the Worst that can Happen, a parent’s guide to healing after the loss of a child… the hardest thing I’ve ever written)
I slipped into my next chapter just by making the decision to honor my son by healing.
Are you on the threshold of your next chapter?
If so, you’re the perfect person to do this exercise.
First, learn the value of finding stillness in your day. If you haven’t already, I urge you to read Eckart Tolle’s book, A New Earth. I cried throughout reading the whole book. I felt like every part of me was finally ready for a new chapter… I felt relief.
Your turn
Now, find a quiet place to settle into a chair with a notebook and pen. Close your eyes, and slow down your thoughts. Are your thoughts coming at you like daggers? Surround those thoughts in puffy imaginary white clouds, and then breathe in the stillness.
When you’ve been able to do this for a few minutes, you can open your eyes and draw attention to these three questions and begin writing what comes to you:
1. What is the one inciting incident holding you in a state of feeling stuck, unhappy, and incapable of moving forward?
2. Is there anything you’re ready to let go of around the emotions you have connected to this?
3. What decision can you make today to begin your next step over the threshold?
Once you’ve made even the tiniest decision, you’ll have new clarity. It will allow urge you to leave the negative ties behind. You’ve awakened your ability to survive and move forward.
You can now look up at the sky and see puffy clouds moving by, knowing those were in the past, and today is a new day.
Your next chapter is waiting in the wings.
So why do people say they became better people after something tragic happened?
For me, it was the realization that I wasn’t on this planet to just serve myself. I had to make changes that allowed me to become a better mother, wife, human being. With those decisions, I feel confident in saying my life is better… even joyful.
Trust it, and let the miracles begin.
Let’s not stop! I’d love to share a little writing inspiration with this: 7 Mindset Strategies for the Writer. I will also send you occasional emails to inspire you on your creative journey!
